No Regrets....and a weekend of respite!

Any regrets in raising Trenton? No, not one. You can ask me again in 10 years and I will say it again...no regrets. We kept him from being able to go to parades, trick or treating and birthday parties but I firmly believe we made the right choice! According to the wonderful book I am reading, When Love is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas, we are and HAVE been doing the right thing! Those are privileges and for a child with RAD-privileges have to be earned! Big time...... They earn them by being respectful, honest, responsible and fun to be around. You shouldn't push them and you shouldn't have to remind them of their basic daily chores. Wow! So all the years that Jonnie and I have been giving him chores and making him be responsible, we were doing the RIGHT thing! Yea for that! My only regret??? Not pushing all the Dr.'s much sooner to look at a different diagnosis other than ADHD. I knew there was some true mental health issues with him and I just didn't know how to help him.

Tonight he was definitely difficult but I feel we made a very small step. He was having a hard time following through and completing the task asked of him (to remove the sheets from his bed to be washed since they were urinated in). We sweetly offered for him to rest since he was too tired and exhuasted to do what was asked (a tip in our book). He didn't like that at all..he promptly went into a full on tantrum in which he took every picture in his room of myself and/or Jonnie and threw them face down. It was a bit heartbreaking but I knew that he was angry with us and that is to be expected. After given time to calm down, I approached him and tried to get him to tell me why he was so angry. He immediately went into wanting to see his sisters (he has half sisters who live with his biological mother) and other family members where he knows he can be in control. He hated that we were in control today!

He eventually broke down into tears and was able to talk about his anger. He said it was his fault that he doesn't see or live with his mother anymore. He blames himself for her giving up custody of him-his words exactly "it's all my fault because my mom couldn't handle me anymore". I told him it wasn't his fault, it was a choice she made. Unfortunately, he is suffering the consequences which is the hardest aspect of all of this. He is so broken and his heart is so broken. I wish I could fix it for him and I wish he would let us love him.

On another note, Lucas and I had a little respite getaway to my Dad's on Saturday. It was peaceful, restful and quite nice! Luke played, I cleaned off my old computer, and we rested......quietly. I feel a bit refreshed! Hopeful of a calmer week ahead!

Abused Parents and RAD

That is how I feel, "abused". Harsh, but true-so true that those words are simply stated in the book that I am reading. To be exact, "Parents of Attachment disorder children often appear unreasonably angry. Probably because the more they love their child, the more pain the child dishes out to get them to stop. The child believes love hurts, as it did when his heart were broken as an infant. They don't use the parents' love to grow emotionally strong. Parents are basically abused in their own home." Wow, another strong statement and so true as to the anger and hurt we feel in our own home. I also read that there is a very high incidence of divorce in families who have children diagnosed with RAD. I believe it!!! We have had so many fights which have nothing to do with each other but rather how to handle and take care of Trenton. It has us feeling so damaged, broken, and torn. We now know it's important for us to take time for each other, as well as time for ourselves. The first chapter of the book speaks about how you need to take "me" time to keep your sanity and remain calm. You should also have "trained" respite providers but we have been cautioned that "untrained" providers can undo the hard work you have completed thus far.

So, what is RAD and what causes it? RAD is basically the inability for individuals to form long lasting relationships. This may be a reason why Trenton has no friends as schools and struggles to interact appropriately and at his current age level. In addition, RAD occurs in children who typically fail to develop a conscience and do not learn to trust. They do not allow people to be in control of them due to this trust issue. This is why it is so easy for Trenton to act out or do something he know he shouldn't and just look at you and say "oh well, I don't care".

I will tread lightly when I speak of what I believe to be the cause of his RAD. This is only MY assessment of what I feel has traumatized Trenton in his past and is based off of information I have read. I was not in his life for his first year and half and cannot speak for others as to what could have possibly happened to him before he lived with Jonnie at the age of four. Again, this is my speculation. What I do know is bonding begins in utero and can have a direct effect on the bonding ability and personality of the child. "Drug or alcohol exposure, maternal stress, or an unwanted pregnancy can damage the developing child". His mother was pregnant with him when she was 18 and because she and Jonnie were not together during the time of her pregnancy I can't say one way or another if any of those issues were to blame. What I can say is that I know it wasn't a planned pregnancy. In addition, some of the following issues that occur to a child under the age of 36 months can cause further damage and puts them at high risk for RAD; physical or emotional abuse, neglect, several moves/placements/daycare providers, or an unprepared mother with poor parenting skills. Your guess is as good as mine.

So, where does that leave the child? It leaves then unable to open up to love, trust and care with their maternal figure. In this case, the "real mom", which is me. Even though the difficulties are with his biological mother, their past history, and current relationship-he will take his anger out on the "real mom" as I try to love him. These children allow no one to control them, they manipulate, control and have little or no conscience development. All signs that Trenton has. He most definitely has control issues which have been highly documented in the home and school setting with us, teachers and classroom peers.

So, that leaves me tonight with sign number two that we have highlighted as something that he exhibits. "Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers. They do not go through the healthy stranger anxiety period an infant goes through. As older children they hug strangers (he does this all the time) and school principals and anyone else they feel they can get on their side, against their mom." He hugged the therapist the first night she was here with him!!!!!!!!!!!!! She looked at me when he walked away and simply made a comment about how most 10 year old children would just roll their eyes at a therapist there to "help them" and gladly see them out the door. Not Trenton, she was his best friend and he clung to her side the entire time she was here. I began to contemplate if I had ever noticed that before. I did, but I always assumed he was a friendly kid-not scared of strangers. I soon realized that with Luke he does have stranger anxiety but with Trenton, he would go with or to anyone you introduced him to. Especially now that I see him hugging "strangers" I realized...that is kinda weird for a kid that is heading into the sixth grade...right???

Well, enough for tonight. Thanks for listening to my story. This is therapeutic for me-that's for sure. Keep the encouraging words coming!

Lastly, on a side note...Luke is doing really well and continues to grow like a weed. Today was crazy hair day and tomorrow is hat day at his school. He is learning his letters, colors and numbers and always adds new words to his vocabulary every day. He tests us at times but seems to respond well to "time outs". He is a loving child and we are now bound and determined, more than ever, to raise him in a loving, nurturing, and well adjusted home!

RAD-no longer a word used to exclaim "cool, awesome, super!"

RAD-Reactive Attachment Disorder. Where do I start? I am not sure, so please hang in there while I explain.......

Obviously, I am speaking about my oldest son (well, he's actually my stepson but I have been a part of his life since he was almost two and I have raised him as my own since he was four-so, he is my son) who was recently diagnosed with RAD. I am having a hard time coming to terms with it but mainly that is because I am furious that it has taken six and half years to be diagnosed and four therapists later! That alone makes me want to vomit......literally sick to my stomach. The money, time, and effort and all we were ever told was our son was ADHD and medication would probably help. Well guess what, we have tried almost every single medication for ADHD and to be honest, there was never a change. It is one of the most discouraging situations I have ever been in. Within the last three months I finally went in to the psychiatrist office and said "it's NOT working, this isn't working-we need help". Who knew that those words would change our lives so much.

We were blessed to find a new therapist that was able to come to the home and quickly looked at his past history and said, "that sounds like reactive attachment disorder". Funny, because years ago when he was four and first came to live with Jonnie we noticed he was having trouble adjusting. Normal, yes but also worrisome... In fact, Jonnie's sister and I often discussed that he displayed these odd behaviors and upon further research it seemed as if he may have RAD. But, we are not doctors and we could not provide him with therapy to heal. So, the years went on and here we are. He's 10-going to be 11 in May. He suffers from many of the symptoms of RAD, it's so hard for me to believe that he wasn't diagnosed earlier. I will begin to go into the symptoms...but only night at a time. I know it would be too much to go on even though I feel like I could write all night. In advance I would like to thank each and every person who reads this, comments on this, shares this with friends, and offers us support.

According to the book I am reading, When Love is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD-Reactive Attachment Disorder by Nancy Thomas, there are about 23 sign/symptoms of RAD. The diagnosis calls for at least half the symptoms and one of the causes (we will get into what I feel the "cause" may be a little later). Just so you know, together Jonnie and I calculated that we feel he has about 18-20 of these signs/symptoms....again, unbelievable that no other therapists saw this earlier. For tonight, we will focus on the first symptom which is "acts superficial and phony, especially around strangers or people they feel they can manipulate in order to be in control."

He does this, often. He clings to strangers and prefers to be with individuals he know he can manipulate (grandparents, teachers, etc.). He puts on a front at times, so much so that even family members look at us and tell us that we are too hard on him. They see the beautiful side of Trenton (which we all know and love) but they never see the other side. The side were he treats us as if we have abused him, abandoned him, or hurt him physically or mentally-which we have not. But, as I read he has to take the anger out on his "real mom". In case you didn't read my earlier note on facebook, I leave you with this quote from one of the first pages that by far was one of the most profound moments.
"Who is the real mom? Is it the one who gave them birth? Not necessarily! The real mom is the one that guides their way, picks them up when they fall down, holds them when they cry, and loves them no matter how bad their behavior becomes. It must be clear to the child who the real mother is! She then will become the target of their anger and the haven for their hearts to heal".

So, join us on our journey as I use our blog (I promise not to just blog on RAD) about how our family is learning to heal and searching for the right way to show him how much he is loved.

Thanksgiving in Disney!

Well as we all know, I am not the best at keeping up my blog. Too busy raising my two....I mean three (husband included) boys! So, here is some info and pictures from our great trip to Disney World this Thanksgiving.

We were fortunate that Mom and Chuck offered us the opportunity to go to Disney for the Thanksgiving holiday. In addition, I had been furloughed the beginning of that week so it offered Lucas and I some additional time to go spend with Nana and Papa in sunny warm southern Florida! Luke and I flew out on the Saturday before Thanksgiving and had a blast doing our favorite Florida activities; shopping, boating, breakfast on the water (Lobster Benedict), and dinner on Las Olas. Magnificent!!! We packed on Wednesday and drove north to Orlando where we met up with Daddy, Trenton, and Aunt La La.

Disney was action packed! We had a great time at the resort Thanksgiving day playing in the pools and lazy rivers. We were able to enjoy a traditional feast with turkey, candied yams, cauliflower salad, and cranberries. Yummy...... The following four days were filled with trips to Epcot, Animal Kingdom, Hollywood Studios, and Magic Kingdom. We also enjoyed the Very Merry Mickey Mouse Christmas Party where the kids were able to take in the snow (fake of course) and parade festivities with all the great Disney characters! What a special and very memorable experience. If you ask Lucas I imagine he would tell you that his favorites were meeting his hero, Mickey Mouse, in person and then there was Buzz Lightyear...... Trenton would tell you that one of his favorites was the Tower of Terror and Expedition Everest. He would also probably tell you that I screamed like a little girl on those rides....and maybe, just maybe I did.

Enjoy the pictures! I hope to continue to play catch up and post some Christmas pictures too!

More pictures....Fall, Football and Halloween!

The past post had pics from Luke's trip to the Pumpkin Patch and the boys day of fun at Hershey Park! See below pictures of Trenton's pigs and some random others!

Fall Happenings...

So, never a dull moment in this house! Guess that's why my sister has to kindly remind me to "update the blog". So, here goes! Last posting we were working through Trenton's school year and we continue to do so. Things have been far from perfect or great for that matter but we are working the best as a family or "team" to help guide him. It's very hard because at night when all is quiet and the kiddos are sleeping I often think- is there anything else we can do for him, more than we already are? It's exhausting and saddening at times but we have decided that this "team" approach will put everyone on the same page-along with some help from the outside therapeutic world!

Lucas continues to grow and thrive every day. His vocabulary is expanded daily, he continues to sing songs and he talks about shapes! This might very well be one of the best ages (2 1/2) ever, who would have thought? Yes, there are some bad and embarrassing tantrums but they are worth it to see how much he is learning. For example, tonight I was cleaning up dishes and he was standing in the hallway with his Lightening McQueen car. I heard him saying something but wasn't sure exactly what he was saying-until I turned around and saw him. He was standing on his car with one hand on the wheel and one on the back of the car saying "skateboard, skateboard". OH MY! I couldn't believe he was trying to ride the car as if it were a skateboard...and where or where did he learn that??????? Of course, it's difficult to tell him "it's not safe", "you will fall", "get down", blah blah blah.....He looked so cute and was doing a pretty good job! Maybe when he is a little bit older we will get him a skateboard.

Well for me and the hubby, we are also surviving. We are looking forward to an upcoming vacation to Disney with my Mom, Chuck and J-La! Be prepared to see some great pictures of the adventure!!

Again, a bad blogger

Well, I can't say I don't try. I often open up the Four J's blog, look at it and think I should add something (and boy do I have lots of things to say) but I never seem to have the time! I hope to add some pictures of the fair and tell you all about Trenton showing his pigs in the Clarke County Fair this summer. Just waiting for that sister of mine to send pics my way! Hint, Hint J-La!

Trenton is in full swing of his LAST year of elementary school! It actually brings a few tears to my eyes to think that the year Jonnie and I got married and moved into this house Trenton was beginning kindergarten!! How did we get to this point? Where has the time gone? I often look back and wonder if I truly relished in all the wonderful moments we have had as a family up to this point. Time passes too quickly and if there is anything I have learned it's to cherish every moment because you never know when it might be your last. He still continues to have his struggles through this school year so far but we take it day to day. Unfortunately, the bad days are beginning to outweigh the good but we are optimistic that he will hit a growth spurt allowing for more maturity.

Lucas on the other hand.....is growing like a weed and beginning to really talk up a storm. I try to remember funny things he says and does so that I can tell the family and friends afar but as usual, I often forget. Tonight he managed to tell me that the remote was "broken, t.v. broken" and "uh oh, Daddy gone" when Jonnie left to pick up something from the store. These are some of the first times I have been able to understand the words that he is actually putting into sentences. He gets this expression on his face where he raises his eyebrows and looks at you like-don't you get what I am saying! He is doing well in his new preschool and seems to really enjoy it. He behaves well too and is learning a lot about shapes, colors, numbers, etc. He had a virus in the beginning of the month and is now fighting off the "crud" as the Dr. called it. However, there seems to be NO lasting effects from the Acute Cerebellar Ataxia that he suffered this summer. We are very happy about that!

Stay tuned as I promised to yes...post some pictures! Lucas does not let us take pictures of him but we can always count on Trenton and his usual cheesy grin. I don't have very many but I will dig some out from our recent trip to Hershey Park and definitely the Clarke County Fair. Enjoy the Fall weather!